most likely will be poetry or quotes i like

my so-called life


sometimes, i experience the strangest phenomenon. i feel a sense of longing and nostalgia for something i was never apart of. i feel it for something to write home about by the get up kids. mostly, though, i feel it for my so-called life , a short-lived 90s show. the concept and feel of the show is in the vein of freaks and geeks , another show that was cancelled way before its time. my so-called life follows angela chase, and her high school life. she is obsessed with jordan catalano, the boy we all know things will never work out with, but we really really really want it to anyways. plus, it's full of angst and songs by the cranberries. angela chase is played by (then unknown) claire danes - who was actually chosen over alicia silverstone. the creators felt alicia silverstone was too pretty to not end up subverting the message and tone of the show. i have to agree. the characters were so cool. to quote an article by the guardian... "MSCL's clothes and music were so inextricable from its characters that fans used both to express their connection to the show. they wore doc martens and listened to the lemonheads..." and that's something that sticks today. every cool kid since the 90s has seen my so-called life. and there's something that sticks. it feels real, and it doesn't feel like the creators were pandering to you. it wasn't until years later when buffy the vampire slayer aired that network television would give the same feel, albeit buffy was a bit more "out there" than MSCL. angela's struggle to find herself and be herself is something i can relate to. "'most stories begin with an old order crumbling because some unexpected force has exerted itself,' holzman says, via email, 'that, for me, was rayanne.' angela's newly acquired friendships with rayanne graff (aj langer) and rickie vasquez (wilson cruz) embodied her future, while her ex-best friend sharon cherski (devon odessa) personified her past" (the guardian). i feel like we all struggle with creating ourselves and molding who we want to be while trying to remember who we used to be.
my so-called life is never going to be a show i recommend to people. because it's not for everybody. i am a firm believer in that if you find it, you're meant to see it.


"mayakovsky" - frank o'hara

My heart's aflutter!
I am standing in the bath tub
crying. Mother, mother
who am I? If he
will just come back once
and kiss me on the face
his coarse hair brush
my temple, it's throbbing!

then I can put on my clothes
I guess, and walk the streets.

I love you. I love you,
but I'm turning to my verses
and my heart is closing
like a fist.

Words! be
sick as I am sick, swoon,
roll back your eyes, a pool,
and I'll stare down
at my wounded beauty
which at best is only a talent
for poetry.
Cannot please, cannot charm or win
what a poet!
and the clear water is thick
with bloody blows on its head.
I embrace a cloud,
but when I soared
it rained.

That's funny! there's blood on my chest
oh yes, I've been carrying bricks
what a funny place to rupture!
and now it is raining on the ailanthus
as I step out onto the window ledge
the tracks below me are smoky and
glistening with a passion for running
I leap into the leaves, green like the sea

Now I am quietly waiting for
the catastrophe of my personality
to seem beautiful again,
and interesting, and modern.

The country is grey and
brown and white in trees,
snows and skies of laughter
always diminishing, less funny
not just darker, not just grey.
It may be the coldest day of
the year, what does he think of
that? I mean, what do I? And if I do,
perhaps I am myself again.